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Category: Ramblings…

Apr 14 2017

Why I am passionate about community activism

NOTE: This post needs edited.  If you would like to be an editor, please send me a message or an email at  Thank you!


I’ve always believed that the value of family is fundamental.  That’s what love is.  Family.  A fundamental unity or connection.  That is the most important thing to me.  FAMILY IS EVERYTHING!  That’s why love is God.  I am struggling to write this letter explaining my passion and dedication to community activism because it literally means EVERYTHING to me.  It is my core purpose in life– seeking solutions for the challenges we face and implementing change to lessen the pain and challenge involved in growing up and becoming independent.  I’ve felt very ashamed, worthless, and alone throughout most of my life.  It began in my early childhood when my family would argue and I began feeling different.  I remember when I was about 11 or 12 years old telling my mom that I felt like an alien trapped in a humans body.  That was the only way I knew to express my sense of disconnection.  I realize now that it was a result of language and judgement.

Early on, I had trouble feeling like I could truly express myself using words.  A hug was more satisfying and I loved sitting next to my mom for hours and hanging out or talking or watching tv.  I felt most comfortable sleeping in her bed with her on nights while my fther was out of town working.  He is an accounting professor with university and while we lived in Austin, he took a position at the University of Illinois.  He commuted back and forth from Sunday through Thursday.  I missed him during that time because I loved working on projects with my dad.  I loved it when he’d teach me things and we’d play games together.  It was hard when he was away more than half the time.

I like to question things and learn how they work and I don’t mind taking risks– I feel they are critical for a person to actually live.  I am curious by nature and I believe curiosity and creativity go hand in hand.  I want to understand how things work and why.  I am a compassionate person and my empathy is all-consuming.  The work that I do often brings me to tears as I want to be successful and use my experience to prevent anyone else from having to go through what my family and I have.  It’s unnecessary suffering

My greatest desire is to feel united with all else.  Starting with my mom, I’ve felt a deeply profound sense of connection or entanglement with others.  A union which has become separated and yearns to become whole again.  A lot of it has to do with the words we say and judgements we make.  As an adolescent, I really began questioning what is consciousness.  How does it interface with physical reality, or the body, and is it consistent for everyone?  I became intrigued by things like quantum mechanics and relativity, philosophy, cognitive science and anthropology.  The list goes on and I felt like every topic had a set of clues to learn from and give a better understanding of myself and the universe– or God if you choose to call it that.  I love looking at the beauty in nature and the stars…

When I was 13, I started smoking pot and I was intrigued with its ability to change my consciousness.  I had lost interest in Christianity, and sought truth through nature and science,  Not long after that I tried LSD and I liked that it allowed me just to laugh at myself rather than being so critical all the time like I had learned from my teachers and my parents.  Authority figures always seemed so judgemental of the weird eccentric style I felt comfortable expressing myself with.  I love bright colors and weird music and I’ve always felt more connection to others by appreciating our differences.  I see beauty in flaws.  My uniqueness made me feel valuable.  While my family had always wanted me to be and act normal, I  always knew I was different and it seemed wrong to not acknowledge that.  Conflict seemed to grow and grow all based around judgements and beliefs and I always associated my struggle with being myself and the approval of my parents.  Much of it was based on my drug use– My mom and dad didn’t want me to use drugs because they’re illegal.  It seemed so silly and arbitrary to discriminate this one plant because it altered perception.  Teachers alter perception.  Plus, it didn’t make me feel lazy like some people said.  I felt different, but in a good way– more creative, fresh ideas and novelty.

I liked to goof around, and test things out, investigate the source of things and explore, and be creative… so at 13, I was trying to understand “who am I” when I was introduced to marijuana.

Here is a PLANT that is ILLEGAL but WHY?  I’m curious! 🙂 It made me feel different and allowed me to think outside of the beliefs, or limits, my parents had instilled in me.  That had value to me, meanwhile my dad told me money doesn’t grow on trees and I need to get a job.  I needed money to buy pot and so I did what Teddy Roosevelt said to do- “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” -TDR
Before long, I was printing fake money and trading it for pot.  It seemed so simple and harmless; $20,000 later and the secret service came knocking.  They confiscated my father’s computer and I never again felt like I belonged to this society.  I withdrew more and more over the next several years; finding myself in increasing trouble and powerless, I sought other ways of life and became interested in studying the diverse cultures of the world.
I dislike conflict and I began feeling like I was in a battle with the world.  My perception of humans became very dualistic and it seemed to me(based on my relationship with my parents) that conflict was the fundamental aspect of every relationship.  I found it easier to isolate and before long, heroin became my source of relief.
By 19, I had found opiates and heroin.  I had lost all respect and concern for myself and was stealing to support my habit.  That increased my level of shame and guilt and this became a vicious cycle.  Before I was 20 years old, I had lost my sense of connection to the people I needed most and had increasing trouble with the law.  I didn’t care about anything because I didn’t care about myself.  I accepted that I would never be ‘normal’ and this allowed me to justify they things I was doing.  I was caught entering people’s homes in the night looking for small things to steal to support my habit.  I was terrified of withdrawal and avoided it at all costs.  I wanted comfort and could find that nowhere else than the pain killing effects of opiates.
I spent those 2.5 years in prison reading and studying algebra and calculus.  I found a job working for the college coordinator and began tutoring students preparing for the GED and teaching a small math class.  I felt appreciated for the first tome and that was amazing.  I knew I had a mission to accomplish by sharing my pain and challenges with the world.  My strongest desire is to help people and I felt like none of my experiences were for waste.  My own pain and struggle seemed the best experiences I could get.  If only change were as easy as I had hoped.
I struggled with heroin for about 10 years before I finally found the strength to quit.  I tried everything, rehab, AA, NA, counseling, anti-depressants– I just could find no relief and my life was a constant battle.  I learned to hate myself and through my process of growth that has occurred since I hit my bottom, I finally was able to begin accepting myself and my past choices.  I learned to forgive myself, and to love myself.  My parents had always said they loved me, yet I felt constant judgement and disappointment from them.  I believe love is unconditional and when I was finally able to forgive myself and accept myself, I knew it was my duty to use all of my pain and experience to help others struggling with those same issues.  I wanted to prevent anyone from having to feel so alone and worthless and empty.  I felt by writing a memoir, I could share my story.  I had been inspired and encouraged by reading memoirs of others who had gotten through addiction.  I had spent my life feeling hopeless so this came as a major relief.
I still had many years of pain and sometimes overwhelming challenges.  Those old feelings can sometimes resurface and drag me down but I have grown so much, I don’t give up when something is important to me.  I accepted that I was here to change how our culture deals with and drug use/abuse and crime.  My parents think I’m crazy and I wish I could feel like we are on the same team, but I sometimes wonder if that is possible.  I used to feel I was on a team by myself.  Finding other people with the same level of dedication to seeking solutions for the challenges we undergo.  I realized challenge as a path to growth and found value in it.  As I learned to love and accept myself, I felt that love and acceptance for everything.  I had truly found my purpose and joined an organization of people much like me who have found the greatest satisfaction in life is helping others and offering my experience so that hopefully no other child has to experience that level of pain and isolation.
I began writing a memoir and journaling.  This helped me make sense of much of my thoughts and experiences and as I began sharing my writings with others, I was surprised how many people identified with those same thoughts and feelings that has so severely crippled me.  My insights seemed to assist others in their process and I had my first sense of achievement.  I’ve met some of the most amazing snd inspiring people through this process and I’ve found so much hope.
I used to lie about so much because I was ashamed or felt hopeless.  I decided those lies were only hurting myself.  I had to find the strength to let go of my guilt and shame so that I can freely express my past without judgement.  I have no greater purpose in life and I am honored and humbled to have the opportunity.

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Sep 12 2013

The Sounds of Silence

The sounds of silence sweep past my ear in the ether.  Beyond midnight, the red traffic light glimmers like a ruby off in the distance. I step into the autumn air and release a breath of warmth creating a billowing of rising moisture into the elements. Following the path of my younger self, I’m invigorated in my hazy forgetfulness. Why did I come? When will I leave?
I ponder these questions for eternity in an instant while watching an insect crawling down the path toward my foot. Separating light from dark is only a shimmering reflection of the sun off the moon in all its crescent glory staring down from above. Stepping through time lost within an instant. Why did I come? When will I leave?

Again, with the urgency of a suffocating river otter trapped beneath the girth of a clumsily chosen component for his domicile, lost within time, I stare at the sky- imagining the countless worlds orbiting stars near and far, my mind is ejected toward the heavens and bounces from point of luminosity to particle of matter, containing and within, all of creation.
I’ve come to divine purpose and meaning. It all begins to make sense. I grasp the unthinkable. As I reach for my pad to begin jotting my thoughts, a spark occurs to my imagination. I’ve forgotten again.

When consciousness ceases being personal, it just is. Floating in the empty void creating space, creating time, manifesting droplets of light which flow into matter creating awareness.
Time is an irrelevant measurement of the dimension beyond space, denoted by the rotation of the earth and revolution of this tiny planet around its star. Fractured into minute components, but not discrete packets of length, time cannot be broken down into indivisible bits. There can be no standard measurement of time. It’s measurement is relative, affected both by its velocity and mass- that is speed and gravity slows the passage of time.

Time cannot exist without an observer. Hence prior to the evolutionary progression which brought about matter and awareness, time flowed not in a linear fashion, but in a complex spatial arrangement both instantaneous and eternal. This implies time, like conscious awareness is pervasive and fundamental, arising from matter, but connected as an inseparable phenomenon. That is, matter and consciousness are one and the same. Time is a manifestation of the union of matter and spirit.  The universe itself is conscious, and although individually each of us is but a seemingly insignificant component of that cosmic consciousness, so too is the whole of the universe a component of ourselves.

The ontological arguments asks the question, what came before the universe? If it’s God, what came before God? There can be no end to this progression of inquiry because our rational minds perceive cause and then effect, so for every perceived entity, there should be an earlier creator. If we cease to think of time a sequential, and instead recognize it as a progression only of consciousness, we can begin to accept events as having dualistic nature’s- both instantaneous and eternal.

Our perception of the universe is an illusion, a kind of hologram produced in the cosmic consciousness and reflected back to us as our segment of mindful awareness. Understanding this, nothing was created because nothing truly exists; the universe is an anti-entropic genetic algorithm, not an object.

As humans, we have a tragic flaw about us– with the mind of a God and the body of an animal, we are compelled to act on mundane drives that sustain our lives and our species. We demonize these natural urges when they are the instincts that allow for our sacred awareness to be. As divine sparks, we seek to attain perfection, an ideal beyond our grasp due to the necessities of the body. By separating bias from self, clarifying vision, we awaken to the beauties, complexities, and curiosities of life.

The birth of language has fundamentally altered our perception of time. Instead of a wave we ride completely oblivious to its existence, we become able to think about the concept ‘time’ in a totally abstract way– as having a past, and a future. This in actual fact might be the illusion, but the filter in our minds, the doors of perception, closes off our rational, logical, linguistic, thinking awareness from all but the present.

One of my goals by practicing Buddhism, is liberation from compulsive thought- the endless sequence of language fluttering past the awareness, often uninvited. The idea that clairvoyance becomes possible for advanced meditators implies that language is the barrier or limiting factor preventing us from perceiving time holistically, rather than sequentially. We might have flashes of intuition, feelings of déjà vu, or experience synchronicity during moments of clarity.  Quieting the mind opens a connection to the collective consciousness and its pervasive archetypes.

Outside of our linguistic awareness, there is another awareness unconfined by time and space. When the universe came into being, along with it came the great mind.  As the universe expanded and cooled, life emerged.  The great mind shines through life.  Time and evolution tore at this collective intelligence, initiating a split and creating the unconscious.  Over eons, during the evolution of the conscious mind, some perceptions and experiences were regarded as forbidden in the context of culture and civilization.  As the number of repressed concepts increased, the unconscious grew and the conscious mind correspondingly shrank.  After the mind bifurcated, the linguistic awareness grew unilaterally, while we lost contact with the more primal, psychic awareness.  Because the collective mind is distributed into all life, this shift applied to all conscious beings.  It is out of the great mind we each gain our awareness.

As evolution progressed, humans worshiped the sun, the moon, and the earth as givers of life. Regular rituals involving visionary plants inhibited the formation of the ego, promoting instead collectivist, tribal partnership values and feminine/masculine equality. The cycles of the moon dictated the timing of these rituals, dissolving boundaries and identities, engaging eroticism, and healing irregularities that developed in personal self-imaging since the last session.  These practices kept group and species values of utmost importance in human culture, promoted a sense of unity, and kept dynamic balance in the ecosystem.  As these plants became scarce and the rituals occurred less frequently, the ego began to take hold.  The ego’s existence demands control, and slowly it became the dominant archetype of our world.

Millennia of neglect and repression caused the primal awareness to atrophy.  This has created imbalance and discord as humans battle the darkness within themselves.  By quieting the linguistic awareness, we transcend our animal nature and reawaken to truth.  Only in silence, because language, although critical to our social development, ironically is also our greatest perceptual weakness.

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Mar 28 2013

Ancient Wisdom

There is a lot of evidence that points the existence of an advanced civilization that existed over 6000 or 7000 years ago, and almost completely vanished. Seems like most cultures on Earth have as part of their mythology a huge flood which nearly destroyed all human life on this planet. We know the story as Noah’s Ark from the Bible, but similar stories exist from ancient Sumerians of Mesopotamia, Aztecs and Mayans of Central America, tribes from Columbia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, and Chile of South America, Inuits of Alaska, Iroquois, Hopi, Dakota, Algonquin and other tribes of North America, peoples of China, Malaysia, Thailand, Australia, Japan, Tibet, Vedic India, and ancient Egypt… The list goes on and on. Many mythologies describe earthly cataclysms as happening in cycles as the earth becomes overly populated. Destroyed is not only the people and their culture but also their banks of knowledge.

When you consider that the last Ice Age began about 60,000 years ago, reached its peak around 17,000 years ago, and thawed out over the next 7000 years, that brings us to around 8000 BC. That’s before what we consider recorded history and would have produced a massive flooding all over the earth as sea levels rose and the planet would have been inundated with all kinds of catastrophes like climate change, earthquakes, etc.  Science generally accepts the modern humans of existed between 30,000 to 100,000 years, let’s say 50,000.  Humans would have written out all of these of insane events.  We often stereotype the socio-religious, scientific, and intellectual development of human beings who lived through these times as having been primitive cave dwellers, but truth is, we know almost nothing about them other than than they were people exactly like us both psychologically and physiologically.

What’s even more insane though, is if we consider the cycles the earth goes through which may be the cause of Ice Ages.  The Sun’s gravity extends more than 15,000,000,000,000 miles into space, almost halfway to our next nearest star, so it’s effect on the earth is huge.  The Earth is also affected by the gravity of other planets and the moon, and these effects are cumulative when the planets are aligned. We can’t even predict how all these effects interact, but as an example of gravitational interactions- earthquakes occur more frequently when there is a full moon (earth between Sun and Moon), a new moon (moon between Sun and Earth), when the moon crosses the Meridian of the affected location, and when the moon is closest to the earth on its orbit. When it’s closest to the earth, the gravity increases by about 6% affecting not only the tides, but also reservoirs of liquid magma below the Earth’s crust. One thing we know is that on December 21, 2012, the date the Mayans predicted as the end of our current earth cycle (the end of the Mayan calendar), there is a peculiar alignment of the planets which can only occur once in 45,200 years.  Not only that, but that date also coincides with an alignment of the Earth, Sun, and galactic center, which is even more rare.

We know that the Mayans were obsessed with time. The little bit of ancestral knowledge that survived the Spanish conquests shows their advanced understanding of a celestial movements especially over long periods of time. That’s why their calendars are so accurate, more so than our own which was invented in the 1600s. We know the Earth rotates around its axis every 24 hours and revolves around the sun every 365 days, actually 365.2422 days. It has an equatorial circumference of 24,902.45 miles, so person standing still at the equator is actually in motion revolving just over 1000 mph with the planet. Likewise, the earth travels in elliptical orbit around the sun at about 66,000 mph or 18.5 mi./s. It tilts on its axis about 23 1/2° to the vertical, causing the seasons, and slowly rocks back and forth about one and a half degrees on either side over periods of 41,000 years. The circular motion of revolution generates enormous centrifugal forces causing the earth to bulge out at the equator and flattening a tad at the poles; its radius at the equator is about 14 miles longer than its polar radius. The effects of this cause the earth to wobble slowly opposite to the direction of the Earth’s spin. As an analogy, think of a top; uninterrupted it stands fully upright, but if its axis is deflected from its vertical, it begins a slow reverse wobble. The earth completes the cycle once every 25,776 years.

Finally, there are four crucial astronomical points in the year marking the beginning of the four seasons- the winter and summer solstices, and the spring and fall equinoxes. In the northern hemisphere, the winter solstice is the shortest day of the year, and this is opposite in the southern hemisphere. The summer solstice is the longest day of the year, and equinoxes are the two points one night and day are equal length all over the planet. The central line of the Earth’s orbit, projected outward into space, is called the ecliptic. Ringed around that are the constellations of the zodiac. These are coincidentally spaced evenly enough that each takes up 30° of the sky, all 12 equaling the 360° of the full circle.
Every day as the planet spins, the sun appears to move across the sky from East to West. Roughly every 30 days, as the spinning Earth orbits the Sun, the sun appears to pass through one of the zodiacal constellations. That’s how we’re assigned astrological signs based on our birthday. Seen as the most significant is the constellation which the sun is observed to rise in on the morning of the spring equinox. Because of the Earth’s axial procession, the ancients discovered that this constellations is not permanent, but that it circulates very slowly among all the constellations of the zodiac. Each constellation holds the position for almost 2200 years, so to complete the cycle takes 25,776 years mentioned earlier. We currently live at the beginning of the age of Aquarius.

All this astrological knowledge is considered to have been discovered by the ancient Greeks, but upon studying ancient cultures such as the Mayans, Egyptians, Incas, and Pagans in England with Stonehenge, all of them using very sensitive calendrical instruments fashioned out of stone (at least that’s all the survived the ages). It’s curious to think the Greeks might have only been a rediscover of this knowledge. Recorded history only goes back about 5000 years. We have no idea how the Egyptians, Mayans, Incas, or Pagans built their huge pyramids or stone structures- often utilizing stones weighing well over 100 tons, moved hundreds or thousands of miles, and then stacked and placed in very specific and orderly arrangements, often hundreds of feet vertically, as to operate like giant clocks and calendars. The evidence points to a coded scientific language many thousands of years older than the oldest “historical” human civilization and possibly, to an ancient lost civilization.

One thing I find extremely saddening is the reason why the Spanish conquistadors had such an easy time conquering the Aztecs of Mexico, who were descendents of the Mayans, who were descendents of the Olmecs, as well as the Incas of Peru, among many other smaller cultures in the ‘new world,’ is because their myths and prophecy spoke of a pale skinned, bearded God or possibly deified human of exemplary character, who had civilized their culture thousands of years before and would return one day from across the eastern sea. They welcomed the Spaniards into their cities and were slaughtered as a result. Because of ignorance, bigotry, and greed, the Spanish essentially erased these precious cultures and deprived the future of detailed knowledge concerning the remarkable civilizations which once flourished in the New World. The possibility exists that the pale skinned bearded people may represent that lost ancient civilization. The idea of a pale skinned, bearded deity or superhuman, is spoken of in myths literally the world over, who appears immediately after the world suffers a horrible catastrophe and brings comfort and civilization to the demoralized survivors.

Osiris, the white bearded Egyptian manifestation of this universal archetype, has as part of his myth the numbers 360, 72, 30, and 12, numbers that point directly to the knowledge of ancient precession- 72 being the most significant. Twelve is the number of constellations in the zodiac, 30 being the number of degrees along the ecliptic for each zodiac constellation, 72 being the number of years required to complete one degree of processional shift along the ecliptic, and 360° is the total number of degrees in the ecliptic 72×30 = 2160 years which is the number of years to pass through any one of the zodiac constellations, and 2160×12 or 360×72 = 25,920 years, or approximately the number of years it takes for the earth to complete the entire circle of the zodiac.

These numbers exist in so many myths, Nordic, Chinese, Babylonian, Mayan, Hindu, Hebrew, Lebanese, Rosicrucian, etc. Could there be a reason,or a similar source? These numbers aren’t random, so whoever inserted them within these myths, myths being the predominant method for transmitting important information through the eons, was extremely intelligent and advanced to discover these cycles. They must have been a highly civilized people, who we definitely should consider scientists.

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Aug 22 2012

The Secrets Sounds of Silence and Love

Inspired from my experience at Rootwire Music and Arts Festival 2012 and revised on 9/11/2012
Big Thank You to the Papadosio crew for creating magic! It was nothing short of spectacular!

When I remove myself from society/reality, I gain an objective view…rw2k12 insights:

  • Judgement is an inherent malfunction that is wreaking havoc on our species.
  • It is OUR responsibility to live our own life so LETS CREATE OUR DREAMS!
  • Critical advice(keystone) -> LOVE YOURSELF!
  • It’s not the destination that matters… it’s the journey that is life.
  • Quit seeking acceptance from the world  and accept yourself!
  • Many people seem to be lost in a mental space filled with delusion and confusion triggered by oppression and obsession, with a side of fear, judgement and desire.
  • The 31st path in Kabbalah, is know as judgement.
  • Actions speak louder than words….. Rather than dragging ourselves along the ground, let’s fly!
  • Flap your wings!
  • Let the ripples spread outwardly!
  • All of us are beings of light, so let yourself shine!
  • It’ll help the people who are wandering aimlessly in the dark.

<3 6r3g =)

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Apr 17 2012

Silence is deafeningly loud.

Have you noticed that we live in a world absolutely full of paradox? We’re constantly surrounded by the unexplainable and contradictory.
As human beings, we are the culmination of billions of years of evolution, change, and growth. It’s mind-boggling to think this has all happened by trial and error. Of course, that’s how anything is learned… through patience and persistence.
I spent much of my life resisting change. My fear of the unknown essentially paralyzed me, and I became buried under years of mental, emotional, and physical baggage. I could find no easy solution and kept losing all hope.
I’m making progress and moving forward now. Its a slow process untangling years of accumulated baggage. I’m done giving up though. I see now that laziness and procrastination are caused by fear of failure and change. Nature has provided me the insight to see beyond that fear.
Nature’s beauty and complexity inspire me and fascinate me. I believe intelligence is the most fundamental aspect of nature, and just like Einstein told us that matter comes from energy, intelligence is manifesting itself through life. I like to think that collective intelligence is a Through adaptability, persistence, and perseverance, we’ve developed the ability to manipulate our environent rather than being at its mercy.

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