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Sep 12 2012

September 11th Journal

The 11th year anniversary of 9/11.  I remember that day so vividly.  It’s interesting how tragin, anomolous events like that place such definitive placeholders in our memory.  I read something that Tarrence said which had a profound effect on me.  Referring to the end of time and the transcendental other, he reccommends that people visit the escaton and upon returning, “take our place in this societyand be a source of moral support and exemplary behavior for other people.”

This is extremely inspiring to me.  I realize that for many years, my addictions(drug use, fear, lying, criminal behavior) has been fueld almost entirely by dissatisfactions I’ve had with myself.  Feelings of inadequacy and social anxiety, depression, fear, resentment, and bias have controlled my life.  That is absolutely not the life I’ve ever wanted for myself, but I spent so long being unable to break free of those destructive sub-routines.  Yet it’s not a miracle that I found a way out; it was effort, persistence, patience, acceptance, and most of all loving myself.  I have so much hope for the future now, and I no longer need a crutch or a bandaid in the present.  I’m done with misery.  I’m ready to live my dreams, but time plays out  wierd ways and I know that in some ways, I needed that dark night of the soul in order to truly find myself.

More to come…

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